Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008

I wanted to make a list 20 things that happened this year.
1. We bought me a new car!
2. Paid off Justin car (after having it for only 2 years!)
3. Justin went on Deployment
4. Justin Re-enlisted while deployed
5. Justin qualified on the boat almost 9 month early!
6. I got a passport
7. I used my passport when I flew to Bahrain to see my husband during a port visit!
8. I saw my 3rd ocean!
9. My sister got married and I not only got to be there but was in the wedding (and I got to hang out with Brienne!)
10. Justin and I paid off all of our credit debt
11. I replaced all of the furniture in the house (everything but couches and my bedroom)
12. Justin and I rode camels in Bahrain!
13. We took a mini vacation with our Besties to Boston
14. Landon and I went to NYC
15. I took a 14 hour flight...never again!
16. We got our puppy who is no longer a puppy.
17. I read over 50 books!!!!!
18. I lost almost 20 lbs while Justin was deployed...go me!
19. I got the whole house done and unpacked the last box!
20. I fell in love with my husband all over again.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Party Peeps

Don't forget next Friday
PJ Party
Be here between 7 and 7:30 pm
Bring a snack or appetiser!
Be ready to watch girly movies
Let me know if you have any questions!

Boots for homecoming!

Monday, December 29, 2008

again

Hes gone again. Under the water. But this time the next time I talk to him it will be face to face!



Justin and I had a great time getting to talk while he was in port. I got to see him on the web cam which is always great and he got to talk to Landon a lot. He bought me all of my Christmas gifts while they were in port and in a few days boxes will start coming to the door and it will take everything for me to not rip them open!



Landon and I had a great Christmas. He got a lot of really great stuff and I can't believe he will get even more when his Dad gets home. Both our families sent us gifts so I had a few things to open and of course Justin had a few things here for me. But still it didn't quite feel like Christmas. Justin and I have been together for every Christmas since 2002 and being apart was just so...well different. I'm glad that he will be home soon so we can exchange gifts and watch Landon open everything together.



Due to Justin being gone I didn't even really feel like taking pictures of Landon opening everything. I took a few but not much. Here is one of him opening his stocking. He is wearing his PJ's that his dad got for him.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Almost done....

But it still feels like I have forever to go. I'm so done with this deployment and I'm ready to not be a single mom again. I just want to be able to look at Justin on Saturday afternoon and say "Hey I think I'm going to go take a nap for a few hours." If I just decided to go nap in the middle of the day now something would get lit on fire.....oh the perks of having your husband home...oh and being able to shower for more then 10 minutes.

Come home now?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Did you know....

I think this is so cool, so I'm going to keep updating it each time I get a new "google search" hit.

Ok so I have a tracker on my blog spot now, and it has come in quite handy. I now know who visits my profile everyday.....and I'm surprised how many people have my blog saved in their favorites (or have it memorized)....yes it tells me this. The best thing it tells me is what a person searches before ending up on my blog.

1. Shout out to Spokane Washington! I thought after you google searching JKLrowan blogspot everyday for the last week or two that maybe you would have figured out that all you have to do is type www.jklrowan.blogspot.com no need to search for it!

2. Yes if you search Rowan Blog you can find me.

3. Also jkl rowan ends you up here.

4. Riyadh, Ar Riyad (Saudi Arabia) Welcome! They arrived on my blog by searching "Dome cafe Bahrain". I guess I have a wide range of things in my blog. Lol.

5. Someone from Florida found my blog by searching "navy life in Bahrain". It looks like Bahrain is an interesting subject to google this week!

6. Manama, Al Manamah (Bahrain) got here by searching "DOME Bahrain". Wow I guess its a pretty popular place! So I guess we aren't the only ones who fell in love with it! And this guy keeps coming back!

7. Navy Life.....will get you here.

8. "Mommy nipples swim blog".....seriously that has to be a joke because who really searches for that. Its not even funny and doesn't even seem real.

9. "wife watches me with man." all of these make my blog seem creepy!!!!

The best so far....but not by far.

10. someone in Hamden CT searched "Sit back and watch me f**k your wife" and ended up here...wow. So being the person that I am I searched it.

This is what you get from my blog:

ROSALIE [*BOWLSMASH FOOTSTAMP *]: I HAVE BEEN SLAVING AWAY OVER A HOT STOVE ALL DAY SO I COULD WATCH THIS STUPID BITCH EAT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HUMAN, EDWARD

hahaha so someone came here expecting something dirty, and got my family blog. Poor guy.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

...christmas...

While I love Christmas and everything it stands for...its just not quite the same without my husband. I had a few gifts to open this morning. My mother-in-law sent me a few, my mom and dad sent us our gifts and of course Justin had some here for me. I can't wait for him to be home so we can do "Christmas" again. I know it hurts him to not be here with Landon, playing with all of his gifts and watching cheesy Christmas movies with us. Every year since Justin and I have been together we have gotten each other an ornament and a pair of pajamas for Christmas....here is what I got!




He e-mailed my mom to tell her which one to buy me since they weren't out in stores when he left and he wanted to make sure I got the right one. So he sent her a picture of it and here is what the e-mail said.

"This is the one I want to get Kim because she always eats cocoa and toast with buddy while I'm gone."

cocoa and toast is an old family tradition, my dad ate it when he was little and me and my sisters did the same. Justin claims its not a meal....but a snack or breakfast, I think its a great dinner. So while Justin is home I'm forbidden to make it for dinner...but when hes gone its a free for all! And funny enough we ate it for dinner last night!

Then he got me really cute light blue penguin pj's. I love them!

I hope he like what I got him.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Gibralter.....

My poor husband, he never knows when I'm taking pictures of him...but in my defense he should have known this time. Landon was telling him what faces to make while I clicked away. Lol.


smile.


kisses!

"dad do it like this!"



And this is my husband while we were talking today. He wasn't paying me much attention because he was too worried about buying me gifts...boring! hahaha just kidding I love that he is taking the time to make sure everything is here in time for our big x-mas and he doesn't have to take a day away from us right when he gets home to go shopping.
I miss that man and I am ready for him to be home. ITS ALMOST DONE!


100!

I was going to do something mass cool for my 100th post...but I'm exhausted from wrapping so many gifts....maybe I will revisit this post in a few days.

Stephanie!

I thought you would enjoy these pictures of the man you are going to marry. He claims he will still have it when he sees you next.



Sunday, December 21, 2008

Swap.

A few friends and I are thinking about doing a swap. We want to do it every month/every other month (whichever works best for everyone).

Every time we do it we will have a theme and if needed a price limit. We were thinking about doing the first one for Valentines day so the box you send would contain; A book (your favorite love story), some kind of candy (since valentines day does not work without it) and a Valentines day card. Everyone involved in the swap will vote on when and what the next one will be.

We don't have all of the details worked out quite yet but I wanted to see how many people would be interested I already have 5 or 6 who want to do it.

We will have a private blog going for all swap participants.

Let me know if you would be interested in joining in.

Friday, December 19, 2008

SNOW!

The weather man says we are going to get a ton of snow today...and hes right!

The snow started at 1 pm. Just for fun I'm going to measure how much snow we get. I don't know if I will keep doing every 1/2 hour or just do it every hour. I measure every time on my glass patio table so the grass doesn't get in the way. Lol. I hope everyone here enjoys the snow like I know we will!

1:00- 0 inches
1:30- 1/2 inch
2:00- 1 1/4 inches
2:30- 2 1/4 inches
3:00- 3 1/2 inches
3:30- 4 1/2 inches
4:00- 5 1/2 inches
4:30- 6 1/4 inches
5:00- 7 1/2 inches
5:30- 8 1/2 inches
6:00- 9 3/4 inches
6:30- 10 1/2 inches (picture)
7:00- 11 inches
8:00-(snow stopped for an hour and just picked up again)
8:30- 11 1/2 inches
9:00- 11 3/4 inches
9:30- 12 inches!!!

Ok so I'm off to bed! I'm was hoping that we would get at least 12 inches and we did! I'm so excited! I hope we get more tonight while we are sleeping. I promised Landon that we would make a snowman tomorrow so I will try to get pictures. Good night everyone!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Good Morning!

ok not really since its about 10 am...but still morning. Right?

I got my first award!

I got it from Andrea at my chihuahua bites. Thank you!


The qualifications to receive this award are:
Display a cheerful attitude
Love one another
Make mistakes
Learn from others
Be a positive contributor to the blog world
Love life
Love kids

The rules:
Link back to the person who gifted you with the award.
Post the rules.
Choose 5 people to share the award with.
The recipients must fit the qualifications stated above.
Create a post to share your award.
Thank the winner.

ok now for who I pass it to!

Sheena! from Live, Laugh, Love.
Jenalei from My life as a mommy and a wife
Maren from A Breath of Fresh Arrington
Brianna from Story of my life
Brienne from The Swangers

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I miss him!

It was so great talking to Justin again. I miss him more then ever and I can't wait for him to be home...man I say that a lot. But here are a few funny pictures from today.


It is late there so all the lights were off in the lobby, so he found a lamp so Landon could see him. Landon is ready to have his daddy back, and talks about it all the time.


This is Justin watching the Elf yourself that I made. This was right after he saw himself doing the "titty" shake (his words not mine).


And this is my sweet husband begging me to delete the picture I took of him flashing the camera. Who knew if I told him to show me his nipples that he actually would...hahaha ok I kinda knew he would that's why I was ready with the camera button. Ehh but at least it wasn't a picture of something REALLY dirty....he doesn't go for that. hahaha.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Hahaha Sorry Justin!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

It must be love!

Justin called today! I live for phone calls!






He's in Turkey right now and I guess they are all going to do some big tour in a few days so he's excited about that. Hes just ready to be home and it seems like it can't come quick enough. This isn't the best picture in the world of him but I like it all the same...I just miss him sooo much. It as great being able to see him while we talked, I like watching his reactions when I tell him about all the stupid stuff I have been doing...like losing my set of the car keys! EEKKK!

I got my homecoming outfit! I'm so excited! I can't believe that I found the perfect outfit so quick, I thought I was going to have to look around for a while to find everything I wanted! Justin is trying to get all of his Christmas shopping done for me while hes in port so we can exchange gifts right after he gets home, we will see if he has the time to do it all. lol.

Friday, December 12, 2008

The most wonderful time of the year!

I love Christmas! I'm sad that Justin won't be here, but I'm so excited to get everything ready so that it will still be "Christmas" when he gets home (at least in our house). Here are a few new things I have gotten for the holidays this year.


My new stocking. I LOVE bright colors, for some reason they make me smile whenever I see them.


Justin and Landon have the same stockings. I think they are cute!


The Nativity Scene that has been in Justin's family for 70-80 years. I like that it has history. Its not just a new one that I picked up at the store one day, and I feel honored that we have it now.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

wow....

One of my really great friends from high school gets to move to Germany! Her husband just joined the army and off they go. I have to admit I'm a little jealous. I wish we could live overseas.

Anyway here is the blog she started.

http://bbswanger.blogspot.com/

Sorry Brienne its just way too cool to not share!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

What are you......

Reading right now? Do you like it? What books do you love that you recommend? I LOVE reading, and right now I'm reading "Chasing Harry Winston" by Lauren Weisberger (so far so good). I just finished reading "Jemima J" by Jane Green and I loved it! Ok so tell me the books you like.

Monday, December 8, 2008

A little of this, A little of that.

My house is fully decked out for the holidays! I just love this time of year! I really wish Justin was here to share in all of the fun but I'm happy that he will be home soon enough that I can keep all of the decorations up. So here are a few pictures.


I love hanging the ribbon over the windows its such a small thing but it makes the whole house light up just a little bit more.

Our tree! I decided that all of the wrapping paper this year for our little Christmas will be red, green and white and the big Christmas when Justin gets home will be brown and blue......I'm so cheesy like that! And I love that all of our ornaments have a story. Justin and I (and now Landon) give each other an ornament every year and since Justin and I have been doing this since we started dating we have a good amount of them. My tree topper is from Disney World two years ago, they had the most amazing Christmas shop that Justin had to pull me out of. lol.

He called me in to show me the tower he made. I couldn't believe he did it all by himself!

up close.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Snow!

I knew this morning as soon as I woke up that it had snowed. My room was just a little too bright for it to be 8:30. Sure enough we had almost 3 inches! Landon was so excited he couldn't wait to try out his new snow suit. Every year on the first snow we wake up, I make Landon pancakes, he goes out and plays and comes into a cup of tea and a Christmas movie then for dinner we will eat Cocoa and toast. So right now we are watching "Mickeys Christmas" and drinking apple cinnamon tea. I just wish Justin was here to share in our special day with us. OK on to pictures!


What I woke up to this morning.

Finley and Hundley decided to join in on the fun.


Landon getting ready to go outside.

Almost done!!

A picture for daddy.

All ready to go!

That boy and his dog, I swear they go everywhere together. I thought Humee might get cold so I made him stay inside, but he whined at the door until I would let him go be with Landon. I swear they can't be apart for anything. They even sleep in Landon's bed together every night.

He hated that coat until he noticed how cold it was, now he won't fight me when I put it on him.

Landon cracks me up. He loves the snow so I guess its a good thing we live in New England. lol.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Yep.







Friday, December 5, 2008

Book List 2008!

Since the year is almost over I thought I would share with you all of the books I have read this year! I think I have them all on here! Some I read a few times *cough*Twilight*cough*.

2008 Book List
read a book that starts with each letter of the alphabet.example:l-little women g- the golden compass(since x & z are difficult letters it is OK to read books that have the letter x or z in the title. For example Academy X or Cross X)

A-"At First Sight" Nicholas Sparks
B-"Breaking Dawn" by Stephenie Meyer *read twice*
C-"Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer (Finished 2/29)
D-"Da Vinci Code" by dan Brown (Finished 4/30)
E-"Eclipse" by Stephenie Meyer *read twice*
F-"For One More Day" by Mitch Albom (Finished 1/18)
G
H -"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" by JK Rowling
I
J-"Jamima J" by Jane Green
K
L-"Light on Snow" by Anita Shreve (Finished 5/3)
M-"Maximum Ride II (Schools Out Forever)" by James Patterson (Finished 1/10)
N- "New Moon" by Stephenie Meyer *read twice*
O
P
Q
R
S-"Scott on the Rocks" by Brenda Janowitz (Finished 2/28)
T-"Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom (Finished 2/26)
U-"Until the day you die" by Tina Wainscott
V
W-"Wicked" by Gregory Maguire (Finshed 4/19)
X-"Maximum Ride" (The Angel Experiment) by James Patterson (Finished 1/5)
Y
Z -"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" by JK Rowling

I have read a few more but they are all repeat letters. I hope some people will do this with me.

Other books I have read this year

"Maximum Ride III (Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports)"
"Five People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom
"Flags of our Fathers" by James Bradley
"Maximum Ride IV (Final Warning)"
"Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer *read twice*
"Something Borrowed" Emily Giffin
"Something Blue" Emily Giffin
"The Falls" by Joyce Caroll Oats
"Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks
"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert
"Marley & Me" by John Grogan
"Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown
"The Lucky One" Nicholas Sparks (bought and read in Bahrain!)
"Chasing Harry Winston" by Lauren Weisberger
"The Choice" Nicholas Sparks
"True Believer" Nicholas Sparks
"The Last Summer" by Ann Brashares
"Sundays at Tiffany's" by James Patterson
"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" by JK Rowling
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix " by JK Rowling
"Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire " by JK Rowling

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Cotton Candy!

We made cotton candy tonight with our cotton candy machine. It doesn't make much but its so fun and soooo good! I'm excited for Jennalei to bring us home flavored sugar from Utah! I will let you know how apple cotton candy is in a few weeks!




Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Pictures!

Let me start by saying that I love my kid! Hes so stinkin' cute sometimes! Here he is on Thanksgiving getting ready to go out with Casey. I love his clothes! I bought them for him in Whistler, Canada when I went on a 3 day girls trip with my best friend from back home.





Here we are at dinner. Casey and I decided that we weren't going to make a big deal out of Thanksgiving, so we canceled our big plans and went out to eat at Cracker Barrel! We love eating there. Landon got pancakes...how festive. But we had a great time. Here's to hoping our sailors won't be deployed next year!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Twilight in 15 min.

Michael found this at http://community.livejournal.com/m15m/19551.html

It was so true and funny that I had to put it up here.



Forks, Washington

[Bella Swan is a clumsy, bookish seventeen-year-old girl who lives in Phoenix until her mother marries a younger baseball player and wanted to go on the road with him, so Bella decides to move back up to the middle of rainy nowhere with her dad Charlie, the Forks chief of police, with whom she actually seems to have a relationship in the movie. Already I am disconcerted because Bella is 500% less whiny and passive-aggressive about it all than she is in the book.]

BELLA: We're gonna be all right, pet cactus. We're gonna be all right.

PET CACTUS: ...



Hey, It's Bella's Broke-Ass Truck!

CHARLIE: Surprise! I bought my best friend's broke-ass truck for you!

BELLA: Wow, I somehow love it! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Dad's friend Billy!

BILLY: Oh, and I thought I'd bring my son Jacob over early in the movie, you know, before you meet CREEPY BOYS.

JACOB: DAAAAAAAD!



Forks High

[So Bella goes to school and the kids immediately seize on her newcomerness, all "Sweet ride!" and "S'up, Arizona!," but they're really charming in a doofy way and some of them are actually not white, if you can believe it. ROLL CALL! Jessica, the bitchy one! Angela, the sweet one! Eric, the goofy Asian kid who wants to go out with Bella! Mike, the goofy white kid who wants to go out with Bella! Tyler, the goofy black kid who drives a van (and also wants to go out with Bella)! Bella's kind of overwhelmed by all the attention but mostly she deals with it and actually learns people's names and it's kind of blowing my mind. WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT DID SHE DO WITH BELLA SWAN?]



The Lunchroom of Destiny

[So Bella actually makes friends and if she bitches about them at least we don't hear it. And then the Cullen "foster kids" slooooo-mooooo in, not eating and not talking to anyone else and totally coupled up together all wearing their Very Very Special Cullen Crest Heraldic Jewelry. No wonder everyone at school hates them. ~*ROLL CALL!*~ Rosalie, the bitchy blonde! Emmett, the meathead jock! Alice, who twirls! Jasper, who looks pained!]

[And then... enter Edward.]

EDWARD: *Jaaaaaaames Deaaaaaaans*

MIKE: Hey Bella, you want me to walk with you to biology?

BELLA: I'm sorry, you exist?



Biology Class

[There's only one seat open and guess whose table it's at. NO, GUESS. Edward's even sitting in front of a taxidermy owl so it looks like he has wings sprouting from his shoulders. You know. Because he is an angel marble cupcake Adonis. And then he gets a whiff of Bella's outrageous flavor, clutches his nose, and spends the entirety of biology looking like he's going to hurl.]

BELLA: I... I have no self-esteem now.



Somewhere That Wasn't in the Book

[Hey, there are bad vampires and they eat people.]



Charlie's Favorite Diner

[Bella's attempt at stewing over Edward's prolonged, inexplicably jerkassy absence from school is interrupted by half the townsfolk reminiscing about their favorite Bella memories:]

SOME GUY: Look, it's little Isabella Swan!

SOME WAITRESS: Here's that cobbler you loved in fifth grade!

SOME WEIRD FRIEND OF CHARLIE'S: HEY BELLA REMEMBER ME PLAYING SANTA CLAUS?

CHARLIE: Um, WHEN SHE WAS FOUR?



Hey, Look Who Deigned to Show Up for Biology!

EDWARD: Hello. Please... allow me to introduce... myself. I am... Edward Cullen.

BELLA: Where were you all week? And why were you such a jerk?

EDWARD: I had to... go. Somewhere. For reasons totally unrelated to wanting to kill you.

BELLA: Did you get contacts while you were somewhere? Last week your eyes were black, and this week they are golden melted topaz butterscotch.

EDWARD: *stares, turns around, leaves*

BELLA: WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?!



Forks High, Parking Lot

[Edward is totally not stalking Bella from across the icy parking lot, no, why do you ask WHEN SUDDENLY HERE COMES TYLER'S DEATH VAN OMG and it is careening at Bella crushwards and suddenly Edward is THERE and he throws her down (unf) and he stops the speeding van with his BARE HAND and then he DAZZLES HER.]







[And then he hops a fence and runs away. Slick.]



St. Forkswhere Hospital

[The doctor attending Bella is really hot young. And he has weirdly blond hair. And melted topaz butterscotch OH HEYYYYYYYY.]

BELLA: It's a good thing Edward was able to leap across the parking lot to save me, wasn't it, Dr. Cullen?

CARLISLE: It's a good thing you hit your head and no one will believe you, isn't it?

[He smiles so pretty when he's lying.]

[So Bella's leaving the hospital and she comes across Dr. Cullen and Edward and Rosalie having a not-very-secret pow-wow:]

ROSALIE: FUCK YOU, EDWARD! NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN!

CARLISLE: Now, Rosalie, have some compassion...

[So Edward goes to smooth things over with Bella, because he is so good at that.]

EDWARD: What? I was totally standing next to you the whole time.

BELLA: NO YOU WEREN'T BECAUSE YOU NEVER STAND NEXT TO ME SO ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE TRUTH OR WHAT?

EDWARD: NO, BECAUSE--NO!

CARLISLE: *facepalm*



Some Field Trip

[To... a greenhouse, to learn about... compost? Hey, you guys wanna come visit my recycling bin next time?]

EDWARD: So... I wanted to apologize for being rude but not for the rudeness of being rude about not being rude, which I am being right now.

BELLA: ...?

EDWARD: In conclusion, we can't be friends, KTHNXBAI.

BELLA: ...!

[Outside, Bella tries to approach Edward again while everyone's piling onto the buses. Jasper looks pained, but Alice is all excited:]

ALICE: Hi, Bella! I love--

EDWARD: SHUT IT, ALICE

BELLA: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST LET ME DIE FROM SMUSH?

EDWARD: Do you honestly think I'm sorry I saved you from the Death Van? How could you think such a thing? NO YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!

BELLA: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A BITCH?!



Epic Romance in the Lunchroom

[After toying with The Hackysack Apple of I See What You Did There, Edward gets to the point, which is not that he doesn't want to be friends, but...]

EDWARD: What if I'm not a superhero? What if... I'm the bad guy?

BELLA: ... Hot.

EDWARD: *headtray*



Rock Me, Sexy Vampire

[Meanwhile, Shirtless James and the other two Bad Vamps show up and Charlie's weird friend gets dead. Also, James has no shirt. This is important. I mean, just for life in general.]



The Beach, La Push Reservation

[Angela, who is my favorite character after Alice (who is awesome), and Bella are huddled together for warmth while all the other kids go, like, ice-surfing or something.]

ANGELA: I really want to go to the prom with Eric--

BELLA: Not Ben?

ANGELA: Ben? No one named Ben goes to this school. Anyway: ERIC. I want to go with him but he will never ask me, woe.

BELLA: You should ask him yourself! You are a strong, independent woman. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

[I'm sorry, what? Did Bella Swan just call herself independent bond with one of the mundanes? Wonders will never cease.]

[And then Jacob shows up with his as-yet-unfursploded posse, who are all like, did you bring any Cullens? BECAUSE THEY CAN'T COME HERE.]






BELLA: Wait, what?

JACOB: Yeah, there's all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the '30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.

BELLA: o_O



Casa de Swan

[So Bella goes home and hits Google and comes up with, like, http:// quileutelegends.com/coldones/vampires_duh.html. She resolves to go to some bookstore in Port Angeles and pick up a book that is relevant to her interests, because apparently Amazon doesn't deliver to Forks.]

BELLA: And that was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen, although for some reason I chose to imagine him lurking in the corner of my room like a complete psychopath.

[Honey, that's what you think.]



Some Dress Shop in Port Angeles

[Angela and Jessica try on prom dresses while Bella sits in the window, not even pretending to pay attention to them.]

JESSICA: So--boobtastic, or just boobalicious?

BELLA: Look, so, I don't actually care about either of you two so I'm gonna go scope some plot-important bookstores now.

[Ah, this is the Bella I know.]



The Mean Streets of Port Angeles

[After she buys her book--Everything You Wanted to Know About Quileute Legends But Didn't Want to Ask the Werewolf Kid--Bella manages to get cornered by the one gang of roving lowlifes in a small tourist town BUT SUDDENLY Edward swoops in, grabs Bella and charges them with The Vampire Volvo of Great Justice and all the lowlifes are like DAMN THAT HIGH-SCHOOL KID IS HARDCORE. Heigh ho Volvo, away!]



La Hipster Italia

[Look, don't even ask me what's up with the waitress's hair, I don't know.]

EDWARD: I FEEL VERY PROTECTIVE OF YOU.

BELLA: That's hot.

[That sound you hear is me facepalming.]

EDWARD: So I was stalking you around town but I lost you and then I heard their terrible awful killing-you thoughts and--

BELLA: Wait, you what?

EDWARD: ... Shit.

[So Edward spills his guts about how he can read everyone's mind except Bella's. On the upside, he manages to keep his mouth shut about the whole vampire thing, which is more than he's able to do in the book.]



Wait, Something's Happening? What?

BELLA: Wait, what's going on at the police station?

EDWARD: Wait, why is my not-dad there?

CARLISLE: Bella, I'm so sorry... your father's weird friend was killed by a feral plot point.

BELLA: I didn't even know we had those in this movie!

CARLISLE [significant look ]: I know. They're very rare in Forks.

EDWARD [mind-reading ]: D:<



Casa de Swan

[So Bella goes home with her dad from the police station instead of with Edward and reads up on Quileute legends and how the Cold Ones are actually called some word I've never seen before in my vampire-loving life and they exist all over the world but particularly in the middle of rainy nowhere and you will know them by their speed and their strength and their cold white marble skin and their butterscotch eyes and their inability to talk to girls.]

BELLA: OMFG.



Forks High, The Next Morning

BELLA: You. Me. Forest. NOW.



The Forest of Imminent Revelation

[The jig, she is up. Bella casts all the evidence back in his face. There is no turning back.]






EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH

BELLA: EDWARD

EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE

BELLA: ASSHOLE

EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE

BELLA: VAMPIRE, OKAY? VAMPIRE

EDWARD: ARE YOU AFRAID?

BELLA: NO

EDWARD: Wait, what?

[Edward drags her by the arm through the woods, like, what, you couldn't get a good enough grip on her hair or something? Damn. Then he zooms her up the mountain on a forcible piggyback ride and storms off into a single spotlight sunbeam in an epic snit over what a monster he is, he must SHOW HER the HORROR OF HIS BEING, a TERRIBLE SECRET accompanied by the SOFT FLUTTERING OF WINDCHIMES:]






EDWARD: I AM VAMPIRE. HEAR ME TWINKLE.

BELLA: Oh, wow, I spent like $60 at Sephora trying to get sparkle like that. What is that, Urban Decay?

EDWARD: NO!

BELLA: Oh, so it's a drugstore brand?

EDWARD: THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!

BELLA: FINE. WHATEVER. But the lipstick, that's gotta be Cargo, right?

EDWARD: *FLOUNCE*

[Over in some other clearing he starts pitching a grand mal hissy, throwing trees and shit around because can't she see, he is THE WORLD'S SPARKLIEST PREDATOR, but Bella doesn't care, SHE DOESN'T CAAAAARE, and Edward has to jump into a tree to get away from her because he might LOSE CONTROL, okay, he must NEVER LOSE CONTROL and it is REALLY REALLY HARD, okay? And Bella's all like, really? How hard? and she goes climbing up into the tree after him, like, DAMN, GIRL! GO GET A PIECE OF THAT! and finally he's like, the combined force of your flavor and your crazy overpowers me, I must know what are you thinking, and she's like, I AM THINKING THAT I LOVE YOU and because the ankle-tattoo people insisted on it, the following exchange is finally committed to celluloid (I am not making this up):]

EDWARD: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

BELLA: Stupid lamb.

EDWARD: Sick, masochistic lion.

[I don't remember exactly what happens next because I fell over dead at this point.]



The Meadow of ~*Great Sparkle*~

[And then they lie down, slowly, tenderly, among the flowers in his favorite meadow (he has a favorite meadow) and stare at each other, not touching, softly arguing who's prettier.]






[Congratulations, Catherine Hardwicke: you have invented the sexless sex scene.]



The Morning After

[So the next morning Edward picks Bella up in The Vampire Volvo and pimps on in to school like a total mack and everyone's like WHOA THAT WEIRD CULLEN KID ACTUALLY GOT LAID? and he's all like, no, I sparkled for A GIRL!]








Chez Sparklepire

[Let's go meet the family! Edward's not-dad Carlisle and not-mom Esme and the "kids" are cheerfully gathered in their unused kitchen cooking Italian for Bella through the tutelage of the Food Network--]

EMMETT: YO BELLA WE MADE YOU FOODS

[--and Alice is all like hi Bella you smell good I love you can we play dress-up now? Jasper looks pained, and that's before they find out that Bella already ate:]

ROSALIE [*BOWLSMASH FOOTSTAMP *]: I HAVE BEEN SLAVING AWAY OVER A HOT STOVE ALL DAY SO I COULD WATCH THIS STUPID BITCH EAT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HUMAN, EDWARD! FUCK YOU AND THE VOLVO YOU RODE IN ON!

EDWARD: So... we're gonna go somewhere else now.



Edward's Room

BELLA: You don't have a bed?

EDWARD: NO, YOU BRAZEN HUSSY.

TWILIGHT FANS: ZOMG HIS COUCH IS NOT BLACK AND BELLA IS NOT WEARING A BLUE V-NECK AND--

HARRY POTTER FANS: *FLAMETHROWER*

[Oh, look! Edward has Muse Linkin Park Debussy in his CD player! Bella loves Debussy! Let's dance!]

BELLA: Um, I'm not so much with the coordination and the--

EDWARD: I SAID, LET'S DANCE.

[And then Mr. Flying Squirrel jumps out the window and takes her barfing across the scenic Pacific Northwest. Or maybe that was just me and my fear of heights.]






[Oh, I didn't even tell you about the '80s music-video timewarp the Cullens have upstairs where Edward plays the music he wrote for Bella.]



People Other Than Edward and Bella Doing Things

[Charlie's out in the woods with a pack of bloodhounds and the rest of the police, at which point they see a footprint and realize that it is a human plot point zomg.]



Bella's Room

[Bella's mom takes two minutes out from following her husband around like a lovesick puppy to call Bella goodnight and ask if she likes nasty rainy Forks and--she does? How is that possible! There must be boys, tell her all about it, are they cute or smart or undead? UNEXPECTED EDWARD IS UNEXPECTED BYE MOM GOTTA GO.]

BELLA: Uh... how'd you get in?

EDWARD: Through the window. I do that a lot. I oiled it so it wouldn't make any noise. I've been standing in the corner of your room for two months now, watching you sleep every single night. You should really get a rocking chair in here, you know, I get bored just lurking there.

BELLA: ...

EDWARD: So can I kiss you already or what?

[So Edward's all like, "Don't move, no, seriously, I mean it, DON'T MOVE" but after they rub noses for like fifteen minutes Bella pretty much jumps him and we discover that she is wearing, not unreasonably, a t-shirt and underwear in bed. Edward LOSES CONTROL OMG and flings himself back against the wall:]

EDWARD: PREMARITAL UNDERPANTS ARE NOT OKAY!

BELLA: Premarital snuggling?

EDWARD: ... I will consider it.

[So they lay in Bella's bed and talk all night about her favorite colors and her first goldfish and which Jonas Brother she's most compatible with. There is totally premarital snuggling. Edward, you hoor.]



Casa de Swan

BELLA: Char--Dad, my new boyfriend has come to call and he respectfully requests an audience with the man of the house before we go play baseball.

CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*

BELLA: Daaaad! Bullets won't even hurt him!

CHARLIE: What?

BELLA: GOTTA GO!



Vampire Baseball

[No, really. NO, REALLY.]






[The Cullens split into two teams and they're all wearing very official uniforms that Edward probably sewed for them, except they're all blue and white, so they're... kind of pointless. Alice does this expert flamingo leg-kick every time she pitches, because she is awesome. In fact, the whole thing is kind of awesome in an I-can't-believe-I'm-watching-this way.]



The Part Where the Plot Shows Up

[The Bad Vamps--Laurent (who has taken over the non-shirtwearing duties), Victoria (who has fantastic hair), and James (what is it with vampires and ponytails, anyway?)--roll in.]






CARLISLE: So... you guys are terrible at not freaking the mundanes, you know that?

LAURENT: Yeah, sorry about that. Play ball?

[All the Cullens nervously shuffle in front of Bella, hoping that the Bad Vamps don't notice her. TOO LATE.]

JAMES: YOU BROUGHT A SNACK.

[I really can't think of anything better than the actual line, sorry.]

EDWARD: *DRAMATIC PRAIRIE DOG*

THE BAD VAMPS: : [

THE CULLENS: >: [






[And then a Jets-and-Sharks rumble breaks out.]

LAURENT: Look, you dig humans, I don't judge. Let's go, guys.

JAMES: Yeah. That sounds good. We're just gonna go now. You know. Not hunt down and kill your pet at all. Have a nice eternity!

THE CULLENS: ...

ALICE: I psychically sense that we are screwed.



Laurent Stops By Chez Sparklepire to Help

LAURENT: So he's a tracker and he's really good and he'll never stop until she's dead. Peace out.

THE CULLENS: D:



A Very Cunning Plan

[Edward wants Rosalie to wear Bella's coat and leave a fake trail in the woods for James to follow. Rosalie, who is throwing a weapons-grade sulk, is having none of it.]

EMMETT: Babe, you gotta do it!

ROSALIE: What's in it for me?

EMMETT: Wardo not whining for the rest of forever?

ROSALIE: *does it*



Casa de Swan

[Bella has to stop by her house to pack a bag and convince her father (and James, who is watching) that she's running away:]

BELLA: I don't want to hurt my dad!

EDWARD: You have to! It's part of my very cunning plan!

BELLA: FORKS SUCKS AND YOU SUCK AND THAT'S WHY MOM LEFT YOU!

EDWARD: OKAY, DAMN.



A Lover's Desperate Farewell

EDWARD: You are my life now, SO DON'T GET DEAD, OKAY?



Some Hotel in Phoenix

[Alice is speed-sketching her visions of the future, and Bella recognizes the drawing as a ballet studio where she took lessons as a kid.]

[Wait, Bella Adoraklutz Swan took ballet? ]

JASPER: Isn't that... kind of girly for a final showdown?

ALICE: Look, I'm just telling you what's coming in over the wire.

JASPER: *looks pained*

ALICE: Wait! Wait! Breaking news! I psychically sense that James is on to our cunning plan!



Some Forest in the Pacific Northwest

EDWARD: I telepathically sense that Alice senses that James is on to our cunning plan!

ROSALIE: *BITCHSMACK*



Some Hotel in Phoenix

JASPER: Hey, do you psychically sense Bella leaving the hotel? Like, because James called her phone and said he was holding her mother hostage? And he'd kill us all if she didn't go quietly?

ALICE: No, why?

JASPER: *looks pained*



Ballet Studio OF DOOM

[James has lured Bella away from her protectors with recordings of her mother's voice; Bella's mother isn't even on that side of the country. Cunning plans: you're... doing it pretty well, actually. He chose the studio with its wall-to-wall mirrorage because he wanted a striking set for the little snuff film he's going to send to Edward after he's killed Bella. But it's okay! He's just gonna sit there and monologue at her for a while, Edward will show up before anything really happens to her, right?]

JAMES: *FIBULA TWIGSNAP*

BELLA: I DON'T LIKE THIS MOVIE ANYMOOOOOOOORE!

[So James throws Bella around some more and a big shard of mirror stabs her in the leg and she's bleeding everywhere and he bites her arm which means that venom is now burning through her veins and she will either have to become a vampire or die, I guess, so that kind of UNEXPECTED EDWARD IS UNEXPECTED! THANKS FOR JOINING US, TWINKLETOES. So the boys throw each other around the studio and trash-talk each other very melodramatically and there's some aerial slapfighting AND THEN the other Cullens arrive to dance and kick ass, and they are ALL OUT OF CHOREOGRAPHY:]






[Finally Edward gets James by the throat and RIPS IT OFF AND SPITS IT OUT, DAMN, about to score a fatality when--]

CARLISLE: No, Edward! You're better than this!

EDWARD: You're right, Carlisle, I--

CARLISLE: But your not-brothers aren't. Have at it, boys!

[Jasper and Emmett build a floorboard fire and then Alice jumps up on James's face and twists his head off like a bottlecap. Because she is awesome.]

BELLA: OW IT HURTS THE BURNING OMG

[The boys tear James to pieces and are dancing around singing campfire songs by the time Alice ambles on over.]

ALICE [offering stick ]: Marshmallow? The wiener isn't done yet.

CARLISLE: Alice! Help me tie off this tourniquet!

ALICE: I don't think that's going to help--I think he, like, bit her, and stuff.

BELLA: NARRRRRRGHHHH!

EDWARD: NO!

CARLISLE: We probably better do something about that.

BELLA: RRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHHHHH!

ALICE [chewing]: We could just let her be a vampire, I guess.

EDWARD: NOOOOO!

CARLISLE: Well, I guess there's something else we could do to get the vampire firepain venom out. I mean, eventually.

BELLA: ASDLKFJSDLKFJASDLKFJKJKJG;;;;

CARLISLE: But it will mean--you will have to--there will be--

EDWARD: NO!

CARLISLE: Premarital sucking.

EDWARD: BUT IT IS SO HARD!



Bella's Life, Sparkling Before Her Eyes

BELLA: So then I died. But I died from vampire metaphor-sex, so that was pretty cool.



Cover Story Memorial Hospital, Phoenix

BELLA: What... what happened?

BELLA'S MOM: Well, you ran away from home and that nice Cullen family went after you but then you fell down two flights of stairs in the hotel. And through a window. A closed window. Now, how the piano and the anvil fell on you after that, I don't know. Look! That pretty Cullen boy has been watching you sleep the whole time!

BELLA: Yeah... he does that.

[Exit Bella's mother to go squee-text at her new husband some more.]

BELLA: Edward! You saved my life! You got over it being hard!

EDWARD: After I nearly got you killed! Bella, we can't be together--if it's not me trying to slurp your freesia-scented tastyblood, it's always going to be someone else--

BELLA: NO! NO! NO NO NO DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU CAN'T EVER LEAVE ME AND WE CAN'T EVER BE APART, SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TELL ME YOU'RE LEAVING FOR MY OWN GOOD AND RUN OFF TO SOUTH AMERICA I'LL JUMP OFF A CLIFF ON A WEREWOLF MOTORCYCLE, I SWEAR TO--

EDWARD: OKAY, OKAY, I WON'T, GOD!



Prom Night, Casa de Swan

EDWARD: So... waiting on Bella. With her dad. Who thinks I'm the reason she ran away from home. Awkward.

CHARLIE: YOU WANNA HELP ME CLEAN MY SHOTGUN?

EDWARD: NO, I'M OKAY, THANKS.



The Prom, Which Has a... James Bond Theme?

[That is some amazing synergy right there.]

JACOB: Hey Bella! Um... so... my dad paid me to crash the prom to tell you to stop going out with Edward. Look, I'm not supposed to know what's going on until the second book, I don't know what to say.

EDWARD: *IMMINENT CHIVALRY SMASH*

JACOB: *LUPINE BITCHFACE*

BELLA: Look, if either of you mark your territory while I'm wearing her dress, Alice will kill you both.

[So Edward escorts Bella inside and for a few moments they stare at the kids being goofy and playing games and dancing to that godless "rock" music and having fun.]

EDWARD: Um...

BELLA: ... Ew.

EDWARD: I KNOW!



Some Quaint Gazebo

[The other slow-dancing couples get the hell out because they can tell that some serious yearning is about to go down.]

BELLA: HEY HEY CAN I BE A VAMPIRE NOW?

EDWARD: No!

BELLA: How about now?

EDWARD: No!

BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?

EDWARD: NO!

BELLA: *sulks*

EDWARD: Bella, can't a long happy life with me be enough?

BELLA: NOT IF I HAVE TO GET OOOOOOLD!

EDWARD: How about I throw in a growth-accelerated half-vampire mutant baby?

BELLA: ... We could make this work.

EDWARD: Attagirl.

[You know how on the ball this movie is? There's Victoria in the prom dress of some girl I guess she killed and ate (I mean, how else do you get a dress this close to prom night?) watching all tear-stained and vengeful. That's right: the plot of the second movie is already here. Which they greenlit on Saturday. Those of us you who saw the movie for the lulz? Turns out money don't know the difference. Oops.]





BELLA: Can we at least do the sex now?

EDWARD: NO!


Fin.